The Staff

Team

Sean Yates (Directeur Sportif): The Boss remains a legend in his own lifetime. Every rider lives with a deep seated fear of hearing Sean speak those fateful words: "I'll come out for a spin with you tomorrow." Still heard to criticise wheels for being "a bit flexy when you get out of the saddle uphill in the 12 sprocket." Ugly varicose veins approaching epidemic proportions, and will surely induce eventual halt of life-long leg shaving. Moments of brilliant perception and comedy intersperse general illiteracy. Puts his weirder traits down to experimental schooling.

Neil Stephens (Director Sportif) Owner of the most renowned haircut in world sport, but the king mullet that was once capable of winning races in it's own right takes a back seat these days. Kept in shape by his sister-in-law since time immemorial, a trim is always preceded by this exchange: "Same as usual Neil?" "Yeah, little bit off the front, little bit off the back." The mystery as to why he never says "Little bit off the front, a whole bloody carpet-load off the back" remains.

Julian Clark (General Manager): Known as Le Patron, the man behind the team's inception is now the General Manager and no longer a climber with all the style of Fernando Escartin. A late starter in the sport after a brilliant international motocross career, he still insists on living life at breakneck speed. Father of two amazingly different children: Oliver is slim and a four-year old cycling historian, Matthew is The Little Buddha. Insists on using his useless French when drunk. Very keen on embracing the South of France lifestyle. Email

Chris Lillywhite (Assistant Directeur Sportif): Keith Lambert's successor as Britain's most reliable pro, is now following his old mentor into management. Well known as a man who calls a spade a ****ing shovel, he carries the nickname of Cel due to an obscure Chelsea anthem. Fears living abroad will force him to abandon his Matthew Harding Stand season ticket. When told that Max Sciandri rated the new Principia as "the best bike I have ever ridden," he replied "What's the matter with the bloke? A bike's a bike, innit?"

John Deering (Press Officer): By far the best looking and talented member of the staff, this suave and stylish West Londoner leaves men and women alike staring after him with admiring expressions. A brilliant musician, cultured footballer and stunning cyclist, his task is to vet all potential staff for "Chelsea-ness." Gooner Yates somehow slipped through the net. Dismisses embarrassment of having measurements that are twice the size of everybody else on the Clothing Sizes List with claims that "It's all muscle, it's just not tensed up at the moment." Calf size and shape inspires awe and fear in Spencer Smith. Email or Read his Diary

Craig Geater (Mechanic): Quiet midget from New Zealand, who says little. However, when pressed, is possibly the worst name-dropper in the world. Personal friend of everybody in cycling, including Magnus Backstedt, Stuart O'Grady, Julian Dean and Fausto Coppi. Penchant for disastrous hair styles. Very reliable with a spanner, which is a relief when you take into account the general insanity of most wheel changers. When riding, claims to "Go better the worse the conditions are." This must explain his abject uselessness when he has been out with the team, as the sun was shining.

Arnaud Desoeuvre (Mechanic): Holder of this year's Filofax sponsored "Most Organised Man In The World" title, the former Big Mat and Casino mechanic suffers from a total lack of taste. Before you start to write and tell us that this is not unusual for a Frenchman, let us assure you that this is a purely physical affliction, after a serious cycling accident in his teens robbed Arnaud of both taste and smell. Handy feller to have on your side in the Who Can Eat The Hottest Curry competition.

Richey Wooles (Soigneur): Hailing from lovely, lovely Abergavenny isn't it, the Welsh soigneur has spent the last twenty years creating his own beautiful Ponder Rosa cut into the side of Sugar Loaf Mountain, but has now forsaken his homeland to take a suite in John Deering's palatial Toulousain residence. Formerly a taffoid wonder on the bike, he has since polished the legs of many a future world champion at the behest of the GB national squad. Poached on the recommendation of Max Sciandri, who enjoyed his exquisite touch whilst on national duty.

Ainhoa Etxegoyen (Soigneur): Chirpy Basque separatist, happy to rub cyclist's legs when she's not blowing up cars on the Tour de France. Blessed with a tanned complexion never likely to require sunblock, and always happy to attempt new English words. Childishly misled constantly by other staff who try to get her to go into shops and ask for "A bottle of wee, please" or ask her to order "three pints of midflow" in bars.

Tess Perrussel (Office Manager): Don't call her Tessa. She once knew a badly behaved dog of that name, and it riles her no end. Referees with an iron rod when Clark and Deering are having food fights with the morning croissants and chocolatines. Destined to become first English mayor of Brax, after many years infiltrating the local tennis club.

Stuart Howell (Webmaster): Bedridden anorak only too happy to marry his vast cycling knowledge and boundless techi-ness by running the website. Unused mountain bike and Principia collecting dust in his bedroom. Email

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