In an incredible display of forceful riding, veteran Matt Illingworth of the elite Vic Haines Office Hygeine and Toilet Bowl Pebble Dash "No jobbie too big or too small" Squad took one of the most memorable victories of his long and illustrious career when he won the "Nighclub Door" stage of last week's Tour d'Ibiza.

Feisty Illingworth forced his way to the front of the peloton as they queued to see if their names were on the list for the Broken Pelvis Nitespot's Happy Hour celebration. Obviously feeling frisky and eager to spice things up, Illingworth attacked, launching one of his trademark verbal volleys at the unsuspecting doorman. Feinting with a vodka and tonic down the outside, the quick-thinking Westcliff lad suddenly shot down the inside with a Stella, ducking under the penguin-suited buffoon's outstretched arm.

"At one point I thought he had me," said the ecstatic Commenwealth Games 1978 Tiddlywinks silver medallist afterwards. "I felt his big JCB bucket of a hand clamp down on my head. Luckily it slipped easily off my well greased Basildon boy-racer styling, and I was through."

Looking back to see who had made the split with him, Illingworth saw Andy Lyons frantically trying to get back up to him. Fortunately for the winner, Lyons was distracted by a poster of Paul Weller and his ridiculous hair curtains astride a Lambretta. Slowing to look closer, Lyons was recaptured by the pursuing security staff. He tried to reason with them in Italian, but faltered when he realised that after 17 years of lessons, he could only say "Is this the Shoeburyness service?"