Matt Illingworth

Back by very popular demand and live from a View Cam somewhere in Southend, small seaside resort twinned with Tuscany, but with a beach (I'm not going to give you the web site 'cos if all the women readers see me their gonna go wild!)

After hours of negotiation, talking big money, it was agreed I'd write this page for a free ride in the team car driven by Sean, which I wasn't entirely happy about, giving his track record, and the amount of Airbags he's got through driving in the European convoy in the last 18months! So I therefore agreed that I'd drive during a stage of the Giro, if they got in, and Sean would read the map while making the coffee (remember Sean, I like Scotch in my coffee, keeps me warm, just like porridge).

Having just returned from a super tough training camp in downtown Sydney I was able to see Matt Stephens showing everyone what a quality bike rider he is. Now Matt's had a fair bit of publicity since joining the team and it's not all been about his riding skills. After flipping through a few back issues of Cycling I saw an article about Matt with a few pictures of him in all the different clubs he'd been in. The only thing these pictures had in common was that dislocated jaw he's got, so he can get his mouth more wide open, and that dodgy scouser perm he's so insistent in not changing! The headline should have read "MATT STEPHENS-THE HAIRCUT YEARS". If I hadn't have seen this article I would have automatically thought, as everyone in the pub I was watching the race from, that seeing as this was the Tour Down Under, Matt was getting in the Australian spirit of things and was growing a mullet, Australian football style. After much debate and loads of bottles of Jacobs Creek, 'cos we were getting in the spirit of things too, we decided that this was not the case. I'm sorry but if Matt wins Paris - Roubaix (he's ideally sorted to this race with his muscular build) I can't see all the kids rocking up to the local road race sporting this kind of haircut. So I think that with his split of the prize money from Down Under and Malaysia, he should get down to Toni and Guys and get a restyle or otherwise be handed his P45 and be put back on the ferry heading back to Liverpool!

Having kept an eye on what's going on, I saw that Cel (Chris Lillywhite) was the manager for the Tour of Langkawi, where Matt got 4th overall. Now if anyone knows Cel he's definitely got all the makings of a Directeur Sportif. This has absolutely nothing to do with his tactical awareness and more to do with the rarther impressive way he can double his body weight in a very short space of time by only a strict diet of Guinness and more Guinness. In the space of a few weeks he can transform himself into one of those all drinking all smoking fat bastard Belgian directors of the early 80's. I think that Sean should take notice of this and get back to his original fighting weight from when he was at ACBB, where he could consume untold Mars bars in one sitting just as Julian Winn used to be able to do last year, but only be able to ride half the speed. And while on the subject of Sean I'm not happy that he's going to be riding at Herne Hill on Good Friday 'cos I'm riding as well and he always manages to make me look completely crap. So this time Yates your going down big time, and if you beat me the Land Rover gets it.

After seeing most of the races the team are riding at the moment, and hearing that if you don't make the team you get sent out training with Spencer Smith (this is still a subject of much debate of which is hardest) I'm not entirely bothered that I'm racing at home this year. So good luck for the rest of the season and as a typical soft lad like me would say, rather you than me!